Until Death Us Do Part?

Preachers say the darndest things don’t they? What I’ve noticed, at least here in America, as long as a preacher doesn’t say anything too negative about God or Jesus or especially another religion, why they can get away with spouting just about anything, and nobody will ever call them on it. Of course it’s better when they don’t try to incite an international event like the fellow down in Florida who wanted to burn the Koran last summer. Symbolism pure and simple, but you got to be careful. A lot of these Muslims he’s insulting like to carry knives. And even though most of them still herd sheep and live in the desert, I’m sure there’s a soft copy of the Koran somewhere that somebody could download and crank out millions of new copies in no time just in case he did. So burning a few dozen books in the backyard, I’d say go ahead if it makes you feel better. It won’t make that much difference; just don’t tell anybody.

And you may remember a few years ago, before he died, Jerry Falwell, amidst all the post 9-11 terrorism anxieties, the Iranian nuclear buildup, the African genocides, and the Brittany Spears breakdown, ole Jerry takes his clerical aim at the most sinister threats of them all, Spongebob Squarepaints. Kind of like listening to the Beatles records backwards, Jerry somehow interpreted this cartoon character’s sexual orientation as being too questionable for four and five year olds. In my mind, that’s four words that don’t seem like they would be used in the same sentence, but I know how riled up some parents can get about anything. Seems the hottest character I recall from my growing up days was Fred’s wife Wilma. I guess Spongebob was more of a man than ole Jerry was expecting, because just like Fidel Castro and unlike Jerry, he’s still standing.

Well there’s another one I heard about just the other day. He’s a black preacher from up north, the Reverend Cedric Miller of the Living Word Christian Fellowship Church in Neptune Township, NJ. With the national divorce rate hovering just north of 52%, this cat has decided the number one modern day enemy of the marriage covenant is none other than the web site Facebook. I’ve read where, in the old days, Christian preachers used to stand up against real enemies; Indians and what-not. It seems like preachers today try to draw their line in the sand against some pop cultural phenomenon. I guess you do what you gotta do.

Now I’m semi-new to Facebook having started my own page about a year ago so I’m still trying to get used to it. It is odd how hard it is to find all my friends once I do add them to my site, but that’s another matter. It seems to me that Facebook is just one real long conversation. It never ends, kind of a cross between the old timey chain letters we used to send as kids but without all the stamps and those “brag letters” we used to get at Christmas time. You know the cards you used to get in the mail, right before Christmas when you were broke, or just getting over the crud, or getting your transmission replaced. That extra glitzy Christmas card with the perfect white suburban family of four all decked out at their summer home in Vail or wherever, with the longwinded typewritten personal annual update on the inside. And how the dad got his big promotion, and the mom got in the ladies auxiliary, and junior got into Harvard and little Jenny won homecoming queen. I couldn’t have asked for more self-abuse if I had signed up for Jackass III. That’s a lot of what Facebook is it seems. That or a lot of folks sending instant electronic well wishes when something bad happens. I know their hearts in the right place, but you just can’t beat a good old hand written card sent postal when you really want to express your true feelings.

Anyway, this preacher claims that Facebook is destroying thousands of marriages because, as he has observed, “it can reignite old flames”. I don’t think he’s offering prize money, coupons, or even a logical alternative if they do, but he has challenged his flock to get off of it and shut down their Facebook accounts. If it’s temptations we ought to worry about, I’d be more concerned with new flames rather than old flames, especially some of those hot young blonde headed flames I see everywhere in my travels out to Beverly Hills. I’m 54 and I don’t think I ever once went out with someone I used to date, though it probably could have saved me a little money and a whole lot of mundane conversation if I had. I mean how many times in life can you really ask “So what was your major?!%$^”

I will admit I have been totally taken off guard by so many of the folks I have befriended on FB. Not the ones I live near or see on a weekly basis back home; no I’m talking about all the people I’ve rediscovered that I went to high school and even grammar school with, way back from the 60s. Man o’ man, I don’t know about the friends you’re digging up these days but all mine have gotten old, and some of ‘em real old. It’s almost scary; talk about a time-warp. My last recollection of Susie so n’ so; it was the summer of ’69. She was 14, had a great figure, gorgeous smile, lovely complexion and then whamoo and almost overnight, she’s on Facebook and looks more like one of my great aunts on my dad’s side.

But back to this preacher’s point. I’m sure he has only the best of intentions, doing his best to keep the family unit together. But is logging off Facebook for good really the best answer? Is that how you truly solve infidelity? Heck fire, if you really want to keep the circle unbroken, let’s just get rid of the whole dang Internet while we’re at it. After all, Facebook’s not the only place you might run into an old flame. Ever heard of Linked In? It’s primarily a business site, for professionals at that. That’s why I’m pretty sure you won’t find my first wife on there. But there’s plenty of other successful ex’s on there I’ll bet. There’s hundreds and hundreds of sites that have been set up for the pure purpose of meeting somebody. So you better block these while you’re at it Reverend Miller.

Yep Rev we can do better than that. We ought to take down the entire Internet, give Al Gore his money back, and get life back like it used to be. Then again, was the divorce rate that much better? Back in the good old days, before Facebook, the Internet, and all these modern diversions, there were a lot of old fashioned devices to help you be unfaithful if you felt so inclined. One thing in particular, it was called the telephone. Of course sometimes you might have had to go through the operator, or the phonebook, especially if you had moved, or they had moved. But you could find just about anybody you needed to, and anybody who answered always knew where everybody else was. And there didn’t seem to be all these secret recordings or phone call logs like they have now. Yep the black rotary phone. What a gem.

But we had other methods as well. We had cheap motels, cb radios, happy hours, double dates, ladies nights, playing footsies, sticky notes, weekend trips, late nights at the office, the back row in the movie house, and class reunions. If you were suppose to be in love but still looking for love, why there was no end to the opportunities to make that happen.

You see Cedric, it seems to me that man’s heart hasn’t really changed through the years, only his means. If people are unfulfilled, unhappy, or whatever in a relationship then they are going to wander. I guess that’s one of the downfalls of the modern mobile society we live in. Just imagine, today you can communicate with anybody in the world in a matter of seconds, or minutes if you’re on dial up. And you can literally be anywhere in the world in a matter of hours thanks to the Concorde. So even with six degrees of separation between us, in a wink and for a few bucks you can be wherever with whoever you really want to.

I know a lot of old fogy’s like to put the morals of the good old days on a big high horse pedestal. Then again it was hard to do too much extra- marital socializing when you lived ten miles from your neighbor and had to get around by mule. I’m not sure everybody was so content back then anyway. Just because you’re forced to stay under the same roof all weekend with somebody don’t mean you necessarily like it. No I’m thinking there was probably a whole lot more abuse, and frustration, and discontent going on back in great grandpa’s era than most folks are willing to discuss. Hard to prove for sure, but that’s just my guess.

What I want to know is where is God in all of this? And how come it’s always the guy, or the girl, that gets all the blame? One of the few civil ceremonies we ever perform with God as our witness and still the best we three can pull off is a 48% success rate. That’s not much of a divine partner we got there if you ask me. Most of the time, when somebody is getting ready to stray God is nowhere to be found. But by golly when you get caught, you can’t get Him out of the house.

No, it’s really no surprise how human beings are. If you’ve ever read Freud, he tells us that sex is a mighty strong urge. So even if an otherwise copasetic couple’s romantical side is off just the slightest hair, then that’s grounds for somebody to start looking for replacement parts. I can say first hand especially from my younger days; well having sex was a whole lot like eating out on the road. You didn’t care where you ate; you just needed to grab a bite before you went to sleep.

Of course relationships and marriages are a lot more than just sex; well the ones that last that is. I’m on my third and pretty sure it will be my last. Truly couldn’t be happier, and am flattered at just how many folks back home think my Tina and I are the perfect couple. We really do get along, both giving 110% around the house. She lets me do my thing, and I let her do hers, but we genuinely enjoy all the time we are together and for that I am truly thankful. I feel like I stole the heart of the most beautiful woman in Washington County and me being an outsider to boot. There’s lots of reasons I suppose this one has worked so well. I think age has a lot to do with it, age and maturity. And it wasn’t till my fourth decade on the planet that I finally figured out two valuable lessons in life that have made a whole lot of difference.

1. The only person I can truly control in this world is myself
2. The only person I can truly control in this world is myself

I’ll never know just where I got the notion, but for the longest time, in my twenties and thirties, somehow I thought that I alone could make a wife, my parents, my brother, my sister, not to mention all my customers and my friends; I thought could make them all happy if I could just get them to do what I thought they ought to be doing. That somehow I had life so well figured out, heck I was a college graduate and 29 years old. Anyway I was going to be the real successful one; more than anyone else I was going to parlay that private high school education with that Bachelor of Arts education, a nice head of hair and a good work ethic and be extra-extra, really successful. Of course I needed a little more time on account that I wasn’t anywhere near being successful, though I sure was miserable. But just as soon as I got successful, and rich, why then I would be happy and just like that, ole Kirk was going to make everybody happy. Life was going to be grand.

Well I can say finally that life really is grand, but it’s sure not on account of everybody doing what I think they ought to be doing. In fact, it’s completely opposite of that. Yep I learned a lot of great lessons on the way down and digging myself back out again. One of the true secrets to a great relationship I discovered was not so much finding Mrs. Right but Being Mr. Right.

Oh and by the way, if you do look for me on Facebook, I’m the real young looking guy with the gray beard.