The Big O

I am grandfather now, have been for a little over a year. Somehow both of my identical twins decided in their own identical twin like way to settle down and start a family just as soon as they could after high school. And my hats off to them I suppose, well to getting married anyway. That saved them, at least from my own personal experience, two decades of drinking beer and chasing women trying to find the one Mrs. Right. So good for them I say. Though this proverbial grandpa hat is one thing I’ve had a mighty time adjusting to. I mean gray hair is one thing I can handle, but having gray hair plus a three foot family offspring with my same surname 53 years younger than I me; well that’s a whole different story. But thankfully I’ve got three healthy, beautiful little grand daughters.

The youngest one will be turning one this summer, same birthday as my little brother’s. But between all the diaper changing, and baby shots, learning to walk, and talk and teething, I’m just wondering when I ought to break the news to her, have that heart to heart, you know be the one to tell her, tell her about the Big O. And no I don’t mean that Big O. I’m sure, if she’s anything at all like her grand-pappy, she’ll find out all about that one in due time. I just hope she’s married, and he’s got a good job. No I’m talking about the other Big O; you know Original Sin.

Like the 800 pound gorilla in the room, Original Sin has been the bedrock of pulpit diatribes and personal assessment for western civilization for almost two thousand years. Somebody, and I’ve studied up on it, somebody, but it wasn’t Jesus, said that all men, and I’m sure he meant women too; anyway all people are born in Original Sin. Eve eats one freaking apple 6570 years ago, and we’re still paying the price. That’s some mighty pricey fruit we’re talking. Must have come from Whole Foods.

Isn’t that a sight? I mean there’s nine months of a mother’s weight gain, morning sickness, contractions, labor pains, all-nighters, lamaz classes, water breaking, financial anxieties, the in-laws getting involved and usually in the way; all the needles and tests, possible deformities, getting laid off from work, all these real life issues and then to top it off there is still Original Sin to worry about? Good Lord can’t we have a break.

That sure is a mighty heavy burden to dump off on a little one year old. Then again I don’t make the rules. I’m just trying to follow them.

Just like learning the truth about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, this isn’t the sort of subject matter that a darling sweet little southern belle ought to hear about from some bully in school or out on the playground. But I’m sure the Sunday school teacher or at least the church pastor will be the one, you know to tell her; tell her that by the mere fact that she somehow was the miraculous offspring of two previously unknown human beings that she is still damned to hell ever-after by her mere birth and that she had damn sure better get her butt into Sunday school and church, if not a convent, and spend the rest of her mortal days showing penance and pleading mercy from God almighty that her precious little soul might be spared from fire and brimstone. If I had had any notion at all when I was that little that this was the way it was, I might have just had my little pee-pee cut off to save all my future bloodline such an eternal burden.

Yea the preacher could be the one, but I think, being family, and now just one heart beat away from being the patriarch at that, I ought to be the one to inform my grand-daughter of her fatal though non-causative error.

Seriously, I know the modern church, especially those great big mega-churches with the orchestras and surround sound, the 24 hour fitness centers, they’ve toned down their hellfire mentality and sermons that lit up many a one-room church house back in the 1700s, but mostly to increase attendance I’m guessing. Heck, I can appreciate that. We’ve all got to pay the mortgage. But the idea of Original Sin is still around. How do you even bring this up in discussion? Haven’t we got too much on our plate to talk about with the youngins anyway? Sweetie, you are a smart, great, loving little kid, and those tap dancing classes are starting to pay off, but you can still spend eternity in hell if you don’t get your act together. It don’t matter how much Mac and cheese and beaney babies you give this kid, that’s just a hard notion to swallow.

Then again, maybe it’s not reality. I’m not sure but when was the last time, I mean when was the last time that somebody, anybody went in and checked the status or asked a few questions or renegotiated or changed the terms or something. They’re doing stuff like this in California all the time with all those Proposition 18s or 32s on the ballot. I’m reminded of the Mayberry episode about the two families feuding- the Carters and the Wakefields. Andy got to studying and realized that neither family had hit the other shooting for eighty seven years. So he drove up and asked Mr. Carter “Why are you shooting at him?” “Cause he’s a Wakefield.” “But why are you shooting at the Wakefields? “Cause we’re a feuding.” Sometimes it’s hard to get a straight answer.

I do believe if I were born on a flat rock, and lived on that same flat rock my entire days the idea of being born in Original Sin is not one I would come up in forty seven lifetimes. I would probably learn hunger, and pain, cold, sexual urges, heat, loneliness, and anxiety, and joy, and sorrow, all the basic temperaments, but being born in sin? Where the heck would you ever get an idea like that, unless, well unless you went to a church and heard it preached. It’s moments like this when I am reminded of what the late comedian Richard Prior said; “you know God didn’t write anything down”. So true Richard, so true.

Nope it seems the people we got on our side, or at least the ones that always act like they’re own our side, the preachers that is, they want to just keep this ole feud a going and going as long as they can. Again, even though they’re preachers, they still got bills to pay. After all we do live in a real world. My guess, and its just a guess, but the longer a fellow can keep a man feeling a bit guilty about something, then the longer he can keep him under his thumb and coming back for more. Heck fire, a man who’s got a good strong self image, and a little confidence, why he don’t need to cow tow to trash talk like that. Come to think of it, the best message a preacher could ever share would be “Brothers and sisters, you are all ok, just the way you are. Go out and be free.” I know it doesn’t come from Scripture, but there is one school of thought going around that suggests that as thinking rational beings, we have all the tools necessary to handle any problem life throws our way, and without all the baggage. Check this out:

1. Reality exists as an objective absolute—facts are facts, independent of man’s feelings, wishes, hopes or fears.
2. Reason (the faculty which identifies and integrates the material provided by man’s senses) is man’s only means of perceiving reality, his only source of knowledge, his only guide to action, and his basic means of survival.
3. Man—every man—is an end in himself, not the means to the ends of others. He must exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself. The pursuit of his own rational self-interest and of his own happiness is the highest moral purpose of his life.
4. The ideal political-economic system is laissez-faire capitalism It is a system where men deal with one another, not as victims and executioners, nor as masters and slaves, but as traders, by free, voluntary exchange to mutual benefit. It is a system where no man may obtain any values from others by resorting to physical force, and no man may initiate the use of physical force against others. The government acts only as a policeman that protects man’s rights; it uses physical force only in retaliation and only against those who initiate its use, such as criminals or foreign invaders. In a system of full capitalism, there should be (but, historically, has not yet been) a complete separation of state and economics, in the same way and for the same reasons as the separation of state and church

A belief like this, well it won’t have near as many followers as say, Baptists, and it probably doesn’t lend itself to any children’s plays, especially around the holidays. But it sure can clear off the calendar on the weekends, and think of the money you’ll save on dry cleaning. Philosophers refer to this as Objectivism; I call it plain ole common sense; common sense as opposed to just wishful thinking.

I know some ideas are hard to change, but the notion of Original Sin is ridiculous. I mean how do you even prove something like that? Do a 360 exam, or how about a Rorschach test, or maybe a DNA sample, a blood test, or just a simple true and false. You suppose any of those could prove such? I think about my late grandmother, on my dad’s side. In all my days there has never ever been a sweeter person. Worked hard around the farm, always had a smile on her face, a great cook, and I only saw her mad one time. She did love her Bible, but I’d say she was just good folk to begin with.

I know some people get off on the wrong foot and get into all sorts of meanness. My guess is that’s a lot of it is environmental, maybe if they had had a little better upbringing, structure of some sort, or at least a dad around the house, things might have turned out different.

When I think back on it, seem like the times I’ve done the most wrong was either when I was drunk or broke. Though there was a situation once, back when I was in the 7th grade. The school I went to, we had an honor code and had to sign every exam and paper with “On my honor as a gentleman, I have neither given nor received aid on this examination.” One time in English class I turned my paper in but did not sign it. My teacher, Mrs. Bowen, what a fine educator she was; anyway she called me up to her desk the next day and said “Kirk, you forgot to sign your paper.” “But I can’t sign that paper Mrs. Bowen” I replied, “My dad helped me.”

Dad, well my dad is a very smart man, and I know he was toting a pretty big bill just sending me to this particular school. So at times it was a team effort getting me through there. Anyway, he got involved in reviewing my work the night before I turned it in, and let’s just say he got a little over zealous doing it. But in my mind, and back to the honor code, to me the worst thing I could do would be to get help and still sign that paper. Now that would be wrong.

From her reaction, I don’t think Mrs. Bowen had ever had a situation quite like this one, a sort of ethical pickle I could see Opie getting into with Miss Crump. Well, she asked me to do another paper so I did. I don’t remember showing this one to my dad. Still I wonder, is this when sin reared its ugly head?

And then, there was a time during my first marriage when things were mighty, mighty tough, though it was nobody’s fault but my own; well me and this woman I was engaged in premarital intercourse with. I’m guessing even Bill Gates would have had a hard time going from taking care of one to four and almost over night. Remember I had twins.

It wasn’t a ten commandment I broke that day, but it still left me feeling pretty bad about myself. I was broke; my straight commission sales job just wasn’t panning out in the least. I had to drive up to Kentucky for a job interview; somebody my dad had lined up for me. I’m just lucky it wasn’t an overnighter. Anyway I was heading back home to Knoxville down I-75, and the gas tank in the big brown Buick station-wagon said EMPTY in big orange lights. Anymore keeping gas in the vehicle isn’t that a big deal, knock on wood, but on this particular day I was flat broke. I didn’t have a single dime on me. Couldn’t call my wife; heck she was no help either when it came to contributing to the family finance.

It’s funny how creative a body can get when they’re in that kind of circumstance. Survival is a mighty strong instinct. I thought about hitting a Stop and Go real quick, pumping a few gallons and driving off; but that’s all I needed, to be the butt-end of an all points bulletin somewhere for a ten dollar misdemeanor.

Anyway I remember it was around Labor Day, and it struck me, just like the people that had come knocking at our house, I could go door to door and ask people if they wanted to contribute to the Jerry Lewis telethon. All I had to do was ask them a question. This wasn’t no strong armed robbery b-s, something a lot less dangerous with a feel good kicker. I just wanted to get home. It so happened that there was little can in my backseat, so that’s what I did. Pulled off the big road, found a neighborhood, grabbed my can and started knocking on doors. In no time at all, I had eight bucks, just enough cash on hand to get back to the Knoxville city limits.

I felt bad about that, slowly driving south down the interstate, a lot of a lot nicer cars zooming by; still do to this day. Oh, I’ve paid it back and ten fold in contributions to the MD Telethon. Pride and desperation can be a tough thing to reconcile at times, especially for a young person.

And there was this other time, it also involved money. I got a great idea about putting travel information in an audio format, so I started a company called Travel Tapes. A one-man show, I did everything; did the research, wrote the scripts, did the narration, interviewed folks, even handled all the distribution and marketing. My tapes were mentioned in the New York Times, Southern Living; and even the Journal of American Culture regarded them as “Highly recommended”. So much for good press, the bottom line after three years was that I could not achieve a self sustaining level of income. I don’t think it was a sin, but it sure made me feel bad, telling my friend at the printing company that I couldn’t pay the $1500 bill I owed him.

In my experiences, life can be hard enough, even when you’re trying to do the right thing to worry about something as abstract, as old fashioned, and irrelevant as Original Sin. I didn’t wake up worrying about killing somebody, bearing false witness, or making idols; I was just trying to make it to the next payday and take care of my family.

Like a lot of faiths, and it can be a bit hard to pinpoint just where a specific belief comes from. Though I’ve done my research. The idea of Original Sin, first of all, is only carried by Christians. Jews, Hindus and Muslims don’t cotton to it too much. They seem a lot more easy going on their membership, at least when it comes to the blame game. While Original Sin is not mentioned in the Bible per-se, Charles Ryrie, the Ryrie of the study Bible by the same name, suggests “we are not just the offspring of Adam, but we were also a part of Adam and participated in his sin”. To which I say “huh?” Your honor, not only was I not in the same room as the defendant, I wasn't even in the same millenium! You know what that sounds like, that sounds a whole lot like black people wanting us to pay financial retributions for slavery or Barrack Obama apologizing to every nation on his global tour for America’s prosperity. No wonder so many people can’t take responsibility for their own actions. They’ve been programmed since day 1 they don’t have to.

Ryrie goes on to say that “I did not say that original sin is biblical. I said that it is based upon the decision of an official Church Council”; there we go again, sounds like something our Federal Government would get into and mandate.

Two thousand years of processing that we’re doomed from the get-go may have taken its toll on our collective human psyche; could go a long way to explaining our country’s affinity for drugs, alcohol, sex, sports, laptops, lap dances, cell phones, television and every other which away you can temporarily distract yourself from the human condition. Polls show our feelings of hope about the future are hitting all time lows; but even though I didn’t vote for him, I refuse to blame Obama for everything. I say it’s time the Church and its message get’s her fair share of the blame game.

I say it’s time for some real hope and change. I don’t think we as a nation are handling this spiritual beat-down well at all. Recent studies show that people in Luxembourg are not only the happiest people in the world, but they also consume the most alcohol per capita. Heck we came in 17th and could probably learn a lot from a country like that. But there is hope. I say we need to ditch this Original Sin notion and “papa get a brand new bag”, come up with something a little more encouraging but in a practical way. How about this- try to make good decisions and do what you say your going to do, or bad things do happen in life but not because we are born bad people.

Yep, this idea of sin isn’t too original. We all make mistakes, but my guess is that they don’t come with the eternal implication that so many would have you believe. I guess the best thing to do is to try to learn from them, don’t repeat ‘em if you can, don’t beat yourself up about it, and try to make right to anybody you did wrong. And if you need help, ask for help. There are plenty of good people willing to give it.

Yep, I think that’s what I’m going to try and teach my little grand daughter.

Ps- Thirteen years after my Travel Tapes went defunct, I paid off the $1500 debt to that printing company. They sent me one of the nicest letters I’ve ever received………..