Won’t Let Him Push Me Down

I was watching a religious channel the other day, one of those daytime programs. Everybody in the room was stomping, jumping up and down, hollering, and celebrating something that I wasn’t too clear on. But the major focus seemed to be on the preacher, and his next move. You know who I’m talking about, the short little fellow, soft skin, looks like he gets his nails polished daily, got that weird bowl haircut, and likes to wear those Paul McCartney looking Nero suits; the one with that accent. Heaven forbid he talk like the rest of us. Benny Hinn, that’s who it was.

Anyway, it was him and he was up on stage, and the amazing thing was that he was pushing all these folks down using only two fingers. Upfront, I have to tell you it wasn’t a Mike Tyson sort of hit; no it was much slighter than that, an amazingly soft two finger push down. Looked like he might have been using the cub-scout salute to floor folks. When I think back on it, I’d say he was trying to look like the Jesus picture you see on those religious calendars.

I couldn’t quite catch just what they were talking about, but these folks would mosey out on stage, whisper something, he would mumble a few words, lay his hands up on their forehead, or chin, or some other protruding body part, and then push them down. And there they’d just lie. Bad for me, the camera cut away to a commercial, so I don’t know for sure if they ever got up, or gained their senses, or died, or exactly what happened. All I know is that little Benny sure could push them folks down.

I don’t know if Jesus ever pushed ‘em down; I haven’t read that one anywhere. But you know who the modern day king of pushing ‘em down was don’t ya? It was Ernest Anglesy. What a TV evangelist icon he was. God love em. All over the airwaves in the 70’s and 80’s. I sure miss watching that guy. I believe he might have invented pushing ‘em down. I always thought Ernest acted a lot like Liberace, but he looked like he came from a long line of used car salesmen. Though when it came to pushin’ em down, ole Ernest could push em down as fast as people could haul em up. I remember watching one night during a revival from Mississippi, and Ernest had them hitting their backs faster then Madame Sophie’s on ship day.

I’ll long remember a story my second brother in law used to share about Mr. Angelsy. Erney was working it hard one night, had a long line of folks on stage, when one fellow came up to get his cure. Ernest, not recognizing the return visitor, asked what the guy needed. The fellow exclaimed, “Don’t you remember Ernest, you zapped me once!” Yea, those were some great days for religious TV.

Of course the other important person in a push em down is the catcher. My guess is that this was probably the prototype for Daniel Webster’s definition of “handler”. On the surface these guys are pretty cool. They never say a word. Everything they do is based on eye-to-eye contact. They look like they could be secret service agents if they could only pass the test, but they do have a very important role- catching the folks who the preacher pushes down. After all, if they don’t do their job correctly and on time, then the push em down people could literally get their noggins knocked. Just imagine, some Joe Blow from Anytown, USA makes the trip, goes up on stage, gets his spleen cured, only to get twenty two stitches in his cranial back side just because the catcher didn’t catch him on the push em down.

Yep, I’ve about decided I’m going to go to one of those push em down heal-a-thons. You don’t suppose it’s rigged do you? I know how hard it is to get on Survivor show these days, but how about being one of those push em down people. Do you need an application, or survey, or entry form, or can you just show up? And once you do show up, you suppose somebody on the inside tells you just exactly what and how you’re suppose to do act during the push down, or is it as simple, and miraculous as it comes across on television? I did do a gig one time for the NBA, and it’s amazing the behind the scenes effort that goes on to make a smooth production.

I’m ready for anything; I just want to do it right. Yep, I’ve made my mind up. I’m going to do one of those push em down shows. The tough part is that they don’t hold those push em down shows just anywhere. No, there usually in one of the more medium size communities across this wonderful country of ours. I doubt Beverly Hills or Lower Manhattan ever hosted a push em down, but I do know that places like Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Birmingham, Alabama and Ft Worth, Texas have them all the time.

I tell you what I’m going to do. The next time they have one of those push em downs in a town, say a half a days drive from here, I’m going. I don’t know for sure what I’ll tell the preacher. I feel like I’m in pretty good shape; I’ve got all my hair, no signs of cirrhosis yet, and my weight is at decent levels. I do have two teenagers who sleep till noon; that and I could use a little better annual return on my 401 K. I know if I can get those two wishes I’ll be in like flint. And you know once you tell them to the push em down man then they’re as good as gold, as solid as a birthday candle blowout.

And I’ll promise you this. If that little fellow can push me down, and I’m 6’ 4”, weigh about 225; he’s a little guy who looks like he may play tennis at best. I doubt he’s ever broken a sweat inside a weight room. But if he can push me down, I’ll buy everything he’s selling.