Just Following the Money

I think I have finally figured it all out, and I’m talking about the secret of life. The way I see it there’s you, and there’s your money, and then there’s everybody else out there trying to get between you and your money. And Lordy don't you know they come in all shapes and sizes. Of course there’ve always been stores, malls, billboards, radio ads, commercials, and normal businesses. But now there’s pop ups, phone calls, text messages, email, and faxes; not to mention the friends, and friend’s and families wanting you to jump on board whatever latest program they got going with. Geez and peez. You can’t even buy gas or log onto the computer just to get some work done or read about Tiger’s latest affair without something or someone taking hold and trying to sell you something.

Oh sure, there‘s all those have to’s. You have to have a place to stay so you pay rent or a mortgage, and you have to have something to eat, so you buy food or eat out, and you have to get to work so you buy gas or a plane ticket. And then there’s all these want to’s; not as necessary or as desparate as the have to’s and they’re generally from our fun side, so they’re easy to rationalize.

Take me for instance. Just because Alabama won the SEC, the wife and I think we ought to go to Pasadena and be there, you know to help celebrate a potential national football title. Christmas is coming on, Lord knows there’s plenty of other things we need to do around the house, and we won’t even have tickets, but we’re still going. This is a prime example of one of those want tos.

The third type are those people that just want to use your money, temporarily they affirm, with the promise that you’ll get it back, later, eventually in some undetermined amount.

I was a stock broker in the 80s, during that Black Monday era, so I can really spot a lot of these players. To me, and I may be wrong, but the thing that always legitimized investments was the fact that came with a prospectus, a business card, and a chart, lots of charts and graphs. They are out there, all over the place, and they’re promising big returns in no time at all.

Of course I’d probably do well to remember what my good buddy Robbie always told me. “Kirk” he’d say; “there’s no such thing as overnight money. Making money is a long term prospect.” Yep well fine, but I ain’t got too may overnights left. Heck fire I’m a granddaddy already, and I still need to get the basement done.

I did see a sign, a new business in town- Same Day Cash. Well sure enough I had to check that place out. Though that didn’t take two minutes to figure out that I wasn’t going to make any same day cash. I was going to lose money and starting that very minute.

It must be an entrepreuneurial risk taking gene or hormone because when it comes to taking a chance, let’s say I thank God I got a day job. You see all my Rich Dad Poor Dad passive income schemes, well they just never panned out. Good Lord knows I’ve tried them all. Oh, I understand them alright, just enough to think I know what I’m talking about. I just can’t make any money at them. Let’s see in horseracing there’s win, place and show, but you’ve also got boxes, trifecta wheels, and pick threes. Trying to figure out the overlays of a 5-1 exacta with two minutes to post can be a bit nerve wracking. I thought that’s why they invented computers.

With options there’s stock options and index options, bull spreads, covered calls, naked puts, there’s deep in the money. Just don’t ever be on the wrong side of the market especially when the Federal Reserve Chairman is talking. Most of the time most of my options expired worthless and way, way, way out of the money. It's a good thing the market can only go in two directions.

The Forex was interesting. It’s 24-7 five days a week and it’s easy to get started. That’s what the commercial says. Yep, it’s easy alright, easiest place I’ve ever seen to lose money. So what if it’s a trillion dollar market. Most Joe Blows I know ain’t going to be the ones getting it.

Finally there’s the on-line Texas Hold’em Poker. There is nothing like sitting in a lonely hotel room with a few cold beers that’ll make you want to drop some hard earned cash to a table full of avatars on your laptop. But what I would give just to get to that final table. I’d probably pee all over myself.

Well fortunately for me there’s a new kid in town. I know so because I saw him on television. He says he’s a doctor, but he doesn’t look much like the doctors I’m used to working with. I believe this guy is referring to his divinity degree.

Anyway his name is Todd Coontz and he’s got this program to eliminate debt. The Financial Restoration program I think is what he’s calling it. Heck I don’t care if it’s hair restoration, if it can bring some extra cash into the house, then he’s got my attention.

This dude is sharp and his program sounded good, real good, well until he started explaining it. You see, he claims if you sow what he calls seed money, then by divine principles, and twenty two passages of scripture, you’re going to reap what you sow, get it all back and then some. In fact, he claims, using as living proof and hard evidence a story that happened to a gal named Ruth two thousand years ago and nine thousand miles from where I live, that if I just listen to him and God and sow some seed money, then all my earthly debt will be eliminated. Why didn’t they teach this in the second grade is what I’m wondering, before I ever got into this mess.

I’ve read enough about Karma, and doing one to another, so I’m thinking OK, so far so good. Just tell me where to sow it Todd. I am ready.

Immediately dozens of good works and well intentioned organizations come to mind; the Boy Scouts, St Judes Children’s Hospital, Battered Women’s Shelter. Where do I send the money Todd? God this is too good to be true. If this is all I have to do, why my big ship is parked just outside and is ready to come in.

He’s just about to the punch line and done explaining when I learn that I’m not the only one out here watching, that I’m not the only Check Box 4 if Filing Head of Household needing to get my financial house in order.

“I know” he says “that there are 3000 of you out there tonight…” THREE THOUSAND as I almost fall out of my seat. My gosh has Obama messed things up that bad. It’s a damn financial disaster out there, but Todd is going to get us all out if it. I just know it. My hearts pounding faster than ole Tuco when he finds the grave with the money in it.

“I need 3000 of you to call the number on the screen and pledge ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS. You’ve only got 90 seconds to make the call. If the lines are busy keep dialing. If they are still busy go to my website rockweath.org and make your pledge now.”

My cell phone was still in my briefcase out in the car, so I start scrambling towards the black push button phone on the dresser besides the bed-board. I pretty sure if there had been anybody else in the room with me I would have run over them just getting to it.

Well somewhere between the gross income and his FOB address I think to myself “Hey wait just a second. I saw this same guy on an infomercial two weeks ago and he said the exact same thing. In fact, he was wearing the exact same outfit. It was the same recording. What’s up with dis?”

“Doggonit!” I yell to myself as I drop to the matress. Dreams of waking up completely debt free, images of night sailing with the wife out in the Caribbean; we were already there. They all vanished quicker than you can say Stick Em Up.

Dadgummit. My long awaited windfall, a new chapter in that American dream, another financial lifeline falls slowly into the proverbial pit beside me.

I don’t know why this Tood Coontz bothered me so much. I took a few business courses in college but sowing seed moneys was never taught as being a legitimate long term income stream. Even when I was a broker, we had things like mutual funds, money markets, limited partnerships, but the sales manager never ever mentioned seed money. Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, they never talk about seed money, well none that they're entrusting to God anyway. They’ve got Boards of Directors and shareholders to answer to.

I’m sure Todd doesn’t fall under the scrutiny of the Securities Exchange Commission, and coming from the religious angle like he does, he can probably pitch whatever he wants. Nope, it seems like ole Todd is walking a very loose rope, somewhere out there in the proverbial gray matter of the financial fringe. Where’s he learn all this stuff and how come he gets to be God’s account receivables person anyway?

Of course you can’t knock the numbers. Let’s see 3000 times 100 equals 300 thousand tax free 501c3 income for a thirty minute canned sales pitch on television. This guy is a freaking genius I’m thinking.

I wonder if he needs a partner. Better yet, maybe I can get a franchise.